13 Parenting Wins I’m Pretty Proud of: A Mom’s Reflection
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It is time to celebrate our winning moments as moms.
“You are your biggest critic.”
“There was never an instruction manual that came with the kids.”
I am sure you have heard these, or something like them.
Together, they breed disaster for moms.
Raising healthy, happy, kind (and the list goes on and on) kids is a huge responsibility. It is so easy to focus on our shortcomings and wallow on where we need to improve. However, it is equally important to acknowledge our strengths and what we do well. By recognizing what makes us fabulous, we can find confidence and pride in our role as mothers. We also are showing our children great role modeling skills. So, take a moment to celebrate your parenting wins – you deserve it!
Last year, I started the new year with my top 10 regrets as a mom.
Looking back, I have no idea why I would start the year with what I did “wrong.”
I should have started the year with positive vibes.
I decided then that this year’s post to start the year would be what I did right as a mom.
I am even laughing in the face of superstition by keeping my list to 13 proud parenting wins.
Here are the 13 things I am really proud of that I did as a mom.
- Made Dinner
I made an actual dinner, sometimes it was breakfast for dinner, but there was a dinner for us at least four times a week.
We all ate together.
No electronics.
The time would fluctuate based on activities.
The important thing is that we all sat down together.
We learned about each other.
This is where we would talk about random things, as I had usually already done 3 Fingers (explained later), to learn about the actual day.
2. Played Board Games
Being together was a big deal to me.
I wanted my kids to know each other.
I also wanted to have a regular time together as a family.
My family played a lot of cards when I was younger and I remember those times fondly.
So, I learned a lot of games for each age group that my children were.
We started regular game play, not just memory with cards or Old Maid here and there, when my older son was nine and my younger son was four.
It was really important to find games that everyone could play.
We started with what we called Bones, which I have now learned is a game people buy (we just played with dice and a pad of paper) called Farkle.
As the boys grew, so did the complexity of our games.
With three “men” in the house, sometimes the competition could get a little ugly.
I learned about collaborative games.
These made game night a family experience that brought us together and felt really good.
In their 20’s, we still get together for game nights!
3. Listened
I did not want to be the mom that did the “uh huh, yup, that sounds great.”
I wanted to actually hear them.
When my boys would try to talk to me, even when they were little, I would put away what I was doing and focus on what they were saying.
I showed interest in their world and their viewpoints.
I wanted them to feel important.
I asked their opinions.
Now, there is a flip side to this.
I love to talk.
I am also a person who strategizes and problem solves, I am really good at it.
This can get in the way of my listening skills.
So, as these amazing boys have gotten older and have had issues that I felt I could problem solve, I have had to really try hard to keep my mouth shut and my ears and heart open.
4. I Recognize My Flaws
I just thought of this one, as I was talking about listening to my boys and how it was hard sometimes to not just start going into problem solving mode.
A really good thing about me as a mom is I recognize what I do wrong.
I will try really hard to work on it.
And, you can call me on it.
I am also capable of saying sorry.
I screwed up plenty, and continue to do so, with my boys.
I am not afraid to say, “Hey, I really messed this up, I am so sorry.”
5. Consistent
I often say that the worst thing about motherhood is consistency.
It is hard.
I can’t tell you how many times I was exhausted and I simply wanted to cave to the easy or the whining.
I didn’t.
My kids told me repeatedly that I was the meanest mom.
They meant the most consistent mom.
I set a guideline or “rule” and stuck to it.
I remember my older son wanted a cell phone in sixth grade.
I told him, “Honey, I am on you like white on rice, what on Earth do you need a phone for?”
He did not get that phone until he was in 8th grade as we had previously discussed.
Neither did his brother, who was five years younger and had much more pressure, as even teachers were using “phones” in the classroom.
I simply had the younger brother take an iPod, (what are those, you are asking ) which had limited wifi capabilities, but could do the functions needed.
It was hard.
I had to listen daily to the reasons why I made them different.
However, in the end, both boys agree that it was fine and they figured life out without a cell phone attached to them all of the time in their early teens.
6. 3 Fingers
I mentioned this earlier and you are just dying to know!
This became so important that I put it in our 10 Family Traditions for Deeper Connections
I started this early.
It began as a kind of counting game/learning activity as well.
Later, it became a great visual.
My boys would go to school.
I would either pick them up to go to some after school function or they would come home.
The first thing would be 3 Fingers.
I would hold up three fingers in the air.
Who wants to give me theirs first?
And the boys would tell me three things that happened to them that day.
The beauty of this is these would be the things that most stuck out in the boys’ minds.
Not the best.
Not the worst.
What really mattered or bothered them?
I learned about friends and then all of a sudden those friends would no longer be talked about.
I would ask, after a week or two of not hearing about “Stephen” what he was up to.
I would then learn about a possible issue that had made my son really sad.
I learned that teachers who had bad classroom management really bothered my younger son, while my older son totally had fun with the rest of the kids.
They never would come out and say things like that, but after listening to their “3 Fingers” each day, year after year, it was easy to read their signals.
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7. Sex Talks
I like the way I handled the sex talks.
Even though we had boys, I was the one who did all of these kinds of conversations.
I don’t have much trouble talking about hardly anything, so this wasn’t any different.
I would look for those “natural” opportunities where a really great sex lesson could come up.
I also took advantage of our dining room table.
Dinner was a great time to do a lot of conversations.
I usually talked to the older son separately, unless the lesson just came up naturally, from the younger son because of the five year difference.
I was a frank, honest, and open kind of person.
We live in a rural area where “sex” is “taught” in the schools.
However, the powers that be seem to believe that if they don’t teach how to avoid pregnancy, the kids won’t have sex.
I am more of a “let’s give them all of the tools we can” kind of person.
Does that mean I encouraged my kids to have sex, no.
Does that mean I did not want either of my sons to be a father at 16, yes.
I was more frank and open than another mom may be comfortable with, but in the end, the most important thing is my boys always felt they could talk to me about sex.
They knew I would not laugh about anything.
I would not hold judgment.
Most important, my boys did not become fathers during their teen years!
8. Sibling Friends
We wanted a big family and were not able.
I have seen men, and yes, I know this is very stereotypical, not have someone they can turn to.
It seems that a lot of men have friends, but their conversations are fairly surface; they don’t go into feelings and emotions.
It registered high on my “very important” list that my boys were there for each other.
I wanted my boys to be each others “person.”
The person they could depend on.
The person who would not judge them.
The person who would take their side.
And the person who would always listen.
How did I do this?
I wasn’t a fluffy mom.
I wasn’t good at the soft and nurturing as much.
I was more frank and realistic.
I told them that there would be a day when mom and dad were gone, like my grandparents.
They would be the only family left; they would need each other and want each other to celebrate holidays and special occasions.
I told them that one day mom (me) would be old and need to have someone come and keep her company regularly.
They would want to be the best of friends so they could work out a schedule so that no one got “stuck” with taking me out to lunch all of the time.
At the time we were taking out Sean’s grandfather, who had Alzheimer’s, and the boys thought this was a “loving duty” but not a thing they did for fun.
I also told them that one day they were going to want the other one to cover for them so that we (mom and dad) did not find out something.
And they would need each other to hold each other’s secrets.
Then, every time I got a whining or tattle telling kind of thing, I simply asked if anyone was in danger.
If not, I told them to work it out.
I think this, with the family dinners, and the 3 Fingers taught them empathy for each other.
They learned what struggles they each faced in and out of school and just were good brothers.
This is something I worked hard to cultivate….and I got lucky.
9. Cooking and Laundry
Once they turned 12 they did their own laundry.
Honestly, this was for practical and private reasons as much as it was for them to learn life skills.
They had already been folding and putting away their own laundry for years.
Once boys turn twelve, many “things” start to happen.
First, have you ever been around a teen boy?
They have, quite possibly the smelliest feet in the world.
It is the weirdest thing.
Almost no boy escapes this phenomena.
I wanted nothing to do with those hampers or socks.
I explained how to unroll or “unball” the socks so they could wash.
If my boys had “track marks” on their underwear, I did not want to know.
They did not when they were young.
Also, I had procrastinators.
They would have a game and need a sports jersey.
They could not come to me and say, “Why didn’t you wash this?”
They have been in charge of washing their own clothes for years.
Not my deal.
Not an argument we ever had.
So, survival for me and great life skills for them.
The second reason…did you read #7?
I spoke frankly about sex.
Something else happens with boys around 12.
I did not want to wash their sheets.
We put them on a rotation for sheets and towels and they took care of it.
This saved them any embarrassment and even though we never really “talked” about it other than “this can happen” they had the tools to take care of everything themselves.
I never had actual cooking lessons.
I did have them help me in the kitchen regularly.
When they did their homework, it was at the kitchen counter where I was preparing dinner.
They were surrounded by the fixing of food.
I also made each of them a “Peterson Cookbook” for when they went off to college.
This had all of their favorite recipes, rankings of how difficult, and sometimes a brief story or description.
I put the recipes in a three ring notebook so they could continually add recipes as they grew and found more that they liked.
Teaching them life skills of cooking and doing laundry were two of my parenting wins.
10. Vacations
We had two vacations almost every year.
Both were incredibly important to the overall well being of our children.
The first one, which we still do, is our annual trip to Oregon.
Every now and then we would go somewhere else either instead of or in addition to Oregon.
However, the kids always knew that we planned to go away, relax, have fun, explore, and just be “us” together, as a family.
They valued those memories of us going on our yearly vacations.
What did we do?
You guessed it…we played a lot of games!
We also played on dunes, walked the beach, built fires, and went off our schedules.
We also talked about what was important to us, what we dreamed about, and what we wanted in life.
It helped us bond in a different way.
The other vacation we had yearly, that seems like it doesn’t have anything to do with me being a good mom, but absolutely does…my husband and I took a vacation alone each year.
Sean and I needed adult time, alone time, together.
If you have read 6 Ways to Connect with Your Partner, you will have heard about bath time together to maintain that daily connection.
Well, we needed alone time together for more than 15 minutes.
When the kids were old enough to be left alone, but young enough that we did not want to go far, we did a lot of “staycations.”
Sean and I would rent a hotel in town and just be tourists.
Go out to dinner.
Walk the square.
Listen to a band that night.
Go to the art shops.
Talk and connect.
And we were 15 minutes from the house.
If anything came up and we were needed we were not far at all.
These times made Seans and my connection stronger which in turn helped me to be a much better mom.
11. Phoenix Trip
For a similar reason maybe even just sanity, each year I went to Phoenix all by myself.
The kids were young.
I was a full time mom.
My husband traveled.
Even when he was home, the kids looked towards me for everything.
I could get pretty burned out and exhausted.
And then the holidays happened.
Sometimes all of the expectations, whether real or put on me, by me, overwhelmed me.
I would get a “3 Day Pass” to Phoenix.
All by myself.
My “assignment” was to do all of the Christmas shopping.
The stuff for the kids, hubby, parents, sibs, neighbors, white elephants, teachers, friends, etc.
Anything that was going to get bought, I was to buy that weekend.
Understand this was before online shopping, so I had a great excuse.
I found a fabulous hotel, that was fairly inexpensive, close to a huge mall in Phoenix.
On my way down I “hit” Half Price Books to get all of those last minute books to fulfill my perfect gifts for the nieces. (link to article)
Then I spent the entire first day shopping.
I would drag bags down aisles and heave them out to my car and go back and fill up again.
I was exhausted that first day.
I also finished everything on my list that first day.
I then got take out food at an actual restaurant, not fast food, and sat for dinner in front of the TV and watched whatever I wanted.
I wrote stories, watched TV, worked out at the hotel gym, and got fabulous food for the remaining two days.
It was a way to completely recharge and rejuvenate.
This was probably the best gift I got from my husband each year (he took care of the kids during this time).
I came back missing my kids and feeling like the holidays were wonderful, once again.
12. You Dream It, I Help You Achieve It
One day, my older son was grumbling saying that I loved my younger son more than him.
I asked him why he thought that.
For a little background, my younger son was a junior in high school and my older son was a junior in college.
He said that when he was Alec’s age, I was much harder on him than I was on Alec.
Again, I asked him to clarify, because the rules were the same for both boys regarding curfew, friends, alcohol, etc.
Remember, I was consistent mom.
He said that I required him to have tutors, take AP classes, study for the PSAT, etc.
Ah, I understood.
I told him that it was my job to help him accomplish whatever he wanted in life.
Let’s say that Alec wanted to be an actor.
What will Alec need to do to be an actor?
He will need acting lessons.
He will need to participate in high school and community theater.
He will need to take voice and dance lessons.
I think he will benefit from improved memory, so he will also need to be enrolled in some kind of memory or brain program.
Toastmasters would be a great program for him to learn how to project and speak.
As his mom, and the person who will be trying to help him accomplish his dream when he goes to the next step from high school to where ever, I will be making him take all of these during his childhood and teen years.
Now, Andrew, let’s look at you.
What did you want to do when you went to college?
“I wanted to get into an out of state college and be a Mechanical Engineer.”
Me: And what did you need to achieve this?
And the light bulb turned on in my kiddos brain.
You could just see it.
“I needed AP classes, good grades, well rounded interests, leadership, and I needed to score well on my standardized tests.”
Exactly, and what did Alec want to do when he graduated high school?
He wanted to be an auto mechanic.
Yes, and he also planned to go out of state, but to a community college that offered the trades.
He did not need to take AP classes, the major standardized tests, or even show any kind of leadership skills to achieve his dream.
I did have him try different trades like welding, which will also help in auto, and he did an internship at an auto shop in high school.
I feel that by loving my boys, equally, but recognizing their dreams separately, and helping them to accomplish them in their own ways, I had a mom win.
13. White Board
I have talked about the white board before.
I talked about this as a solution to one of my top ten mom mistakes .
That is because it made such an enormous difference in our lives.
Some of us cannot remember oral directions.
If you can give your children a list of what your expectations are for the day, they can more easily achieve it.
I bought 12 X 12 squares of “white board” material at Home Depot.
Each morning, I would write what I need the boys to do.
They loved these because they could erase a chore when it was done.
There are a number of chore type charts you can use.
I created a video to show you how to make your own.
My boys, however, liked the simple whiteboard.
As a mother, there are times when self-doubt can creep in. But it is in those moments that we must turn to parenting wins, no matter how small they may seem, and allow ourselves to take pride in our accomplishments.
Sit down, think about what you do as a mom that is great, and write it all down. I hope you enjoyed my 13 and they inspired you to make your won amazing list.