5 Different Parenting Styles: Which one are you?
Reading Time: 13 minutes What Kind of parent are you?
What Kind of parent do you want to be?
5 parenting Styles and 5 Discipline Styles
I had no idea there were different “styles” of parenting. I knew ways I did not want to parent. You have heard of a helicopter mom? I am not going to talk about the kinds of parenting we don’t want to admit to or are trying not to be. I want to enlighten you on some methods that I found that are currently being talked about. It helps to know these because if you are looking for a book or a coach or counselor and you already know the kind of parenting you want to do, you can match styles. You can also determine if you do not want to parent in a particular way and a book emphasizes this way, to skip that book and move on to one of the many others.
I am recommending books for each parenting and discipline style. I have not read some of these books, but I have researched extensively each one and read the reviews. For those parents that want an “overall” parenting book, I recommend one for parenting in general and one for discipline. This was really hard. There are so many fantabulous books out there!
My recommended choice for parenting overall:
How to Talk so Kids will Listen & How to Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
I chose this book because, as a middle school teacher, and as a mom, the core issue at almost every problem as the children were getting older was lack of communication. Whether it was due to children not listening to directions, children not sharing problems, parents not knowing what was going on in their children’s lives, etc. This book also helps with the children are younger, but I think many people see a behavior and feel that is the problem, when in fact, it is communication.
If you are looking for great ways to open up easy, non threatening, and fun conversation in your house, I have 52 Conversation Starters for you!
Do you want your child to open up? Do you want to have a conversation with them?
I developed 52 conversation starters just for you!- Feel connection with your child.
- Ask questions that start brainstorming and strategize
- Feel Connection
- Learn new qualities, priorities and values about each other.
- Create an atmosphere of confidence in each other, so they know they can reach out to you.
- Positive Parenting
In a nutshell: this is unconditional support to empower your child.
It is based on positive psychology which is focused on goals, accomplishments, and the future. Rather than being focused on the past, traumas and pain.
Have you ever seen a baseball coach dad who is trying to live out his dreams through his son? Positive parenting is exactly NOT this. Whatever preconceived desires or dreams we have for our children takes a backseat to their interests, skills, and desires.
Discipline: positive parenting looks differently from black and white lines of right and wrong or can and cannot. Parents take an active guidance role in teaching children brainstorming techniques, how to map out their decisions, and what the ramifications are of their decisions so they can make good choices. This is level five of the Social Emotional Learning goals, be sure to read that article if you have not yet!
Recommended positive parenting books:
Practical Positive Parenting: How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children Ages 2-7 By Empowering Confidence by Hannah Brooks
This book is fabulous because it breaks down positive parenting and how to take a proactive and guiding role towards parenting. I love that it is easy to understand and read. This book actually looks at the four main parenting styles: permissive, authoritarian, authoritative, and hands-off and helps you assess which type you are.
Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide by Rebecca Eanes
This book is different from many others because the author is simply a mom that read a bunch a books from experts and put them into practice and figured out what worked best for her family. The good about this is that it is not “hypothetical” it is actual “boots on the ground” practice of what worked. This book gives suggestions, techniques, and discussion questions to work through that really help you move from theory to practice. Because this mom has been exactly where you are, there is no judgement, no “you are a bad parent if..” or a feeling that you are.
2. Natural Parenting
The goal of natural parenting is to create a strong bond between the child and the caregiver (usually mom).
The belief is that if a child’s emotional and physical needs are met quickly, they will grow up feeling emotionally secure with a positive feeling about life. This feeling will expand towards their opinion of others, believing that the world is a good place and people mean well.
Have you heard that you can spoil a baby by picking it up too often? I was told this with my older son. Natural parenting says, no, cuddle that child, give it everything it emotionally and physically needs when it is young. Let the child know that you are unconditionally there for it and love it. The child will feel secure and naturally want to venture out on their own when they are ready.
Recommended natural parenting books: (also called attachment parenting)
Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child’s Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore by Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell
This book speaks to me because it has an emphasis on helping a child feel emotionally secure. The world can be so uncertain that prioritizing the feeling of security speaks loudly to me. This book also comes with self-assessment checklists; oh man, I love checklists!
Attachment Focused Parenting: Effective Strategies to care for Children By Daniel Hughes
This book has a lot of focus on parent of adopted children. It also has a lot of research and clinical terms. Most readers say that every page is dripping with valuable information that makes it a slower read. I recommend it highly because it talks about how to set limits, provide guidance, and manage the responsibilities and difficulties of daily life, while at the same time communicating safety, fun, joy, and love.
3. Unconditional Parenting
The theme to unconditional parenting is that no matter what your child does or says, you will support and accept them.
Alfie Cohn, who wrote a book Unconditional Parenting, had an interesting viewpoint. He stated that when you reinforce good behavior with affection, kind words, and praise we are using love to manipulate our children. This is a parenting type: Positive Reinforcement Parenting.
The end goal is that we want our children to feel that we love them for who they are not what they do or do not do.
Recommended Unconditional Parenting Books: (also known as conscious parenting)
Unconditional Parenting: Moving From Rewards And Punishments To Love And Reason By Alfie Kohn.
(This is the book recommended over and over for this parenting style) The key to this book is, “What do kids need—and how can we meet those needs?” rather than “How do we get our kids to do what we tell them to do?” I wish I had read this book before I raised my boys. It turns upside down what I thought I was doing and the intention behind it. Whether I would use unconditional parenting or not, I would definitely have liked to have read this book for a different viewpoint at the reward and consequence type parenting.
The Awakened Family: How to Raise Empowered, Resilient, and Conscious Children By Dr. Shefali Tsabary
This book sells me in this sentence alone: how you can cultivate a relationship with your children so they can thrive; moreover, you can be transformed to a state of greater calm, compassion and wisdom as well. I have not read a description of a parenting book as leaving the parent feeling calm and having wisdom in the end. I want that! Readers are saying that with just this book they are able to address the generational parenting habits they are in, heal childhood wounds and respond instead of react to their children. This is the kind of thing people spend years in therapy for.
4. Spiritual Parenting
The other parenting styles have scientist names and research behind them. Spiritual parenting does not. It has roots in Eastern Philosophy and emphasizes being interconnected, inner awareness, and appreciation. This philosophy also has mindful parenting in it. Mindful parenting and simple parenting are very similar to me. If this style interests you, check out both sections.
Spiritual parenting is not about worship or religion. It is also not “new age” or “fluffy”.
It is very down to earth and all about being who we are and full acceptance.
The goal of this style is that by respecting each child and giving them space to evolve, the child is able to develop their own personality and unique interests.
Recommended Spiritual Parenting Books:
Mindful Parenting: Simple and Powerful Solutions for Raising Creative, Engaged, Happy Kids in Today’s Hectic World by Kristen Race
Race has dubbed this generation, Generation Stress. The first couple sections of the book is science, how stress affects the brain and how we can combat this. Then she gives strategies that you can try right now that can help both you and your kids lead calmer, happier, more fulfilling lives. She even has “Brain Coolers” which are quick exercises to help families relax, recharge, and create happiness. I love that this book is based on research, but I appreciate the “do it now” guides for quick improvement.
The Parent’s Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for Modern Parents by William Martin
True confessions, I love the retelling of fairy tales. I was attracted to this book because it is classic Taoist wisdom applied to the world of parenting, guiding mothers and fathers to meaningful conversations and relationships with their children. So, in essence, a retelling of something that was already good. Parents with newborns, toddlers, young children, teens and adult sons and daughters found this book exceptional and crucial in their interactions with themselves and their children.
5. Slow Parenting:
“I just wish life would slow down!” “I feel like I am on a hamster wheel and never catch up!” Does this sound like you? Your child’s emotional tolerance and ability to manage stress can come from their surroundings.
Slow parenting does not mean life screeches to a halt. It means that you, as a parent, make a conscious effort to have everything come in its right time. You are not rushing to stay “caught up” or to be like the “Smiths”. Slow parenting emphasizes quality not quantity, human connection, and living in the moment.
The thought of slow parenting is that if you give a child time and space to think and become, they will develop into a person they not only want to be, but like.
Recommended Slow Parenting Books:
Under Pressure: Rescuing our children from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting by Carl Honore
This is a must read. Whether you believe that it is good or not, most can agree we do schedule our children within almost every minute of their day. Honore’s belief is that our culture of speed, efficiency, and success at all costs is damaging both parents and children. When the impulse to give children the best of everything runs rampant, parents, schools, communities, and corporations unwittingly combine forces to create over-scheduled, over-stimulated, and overindulged kids. This book is about how and why to still give our kids what they crave and need, but to not over-stimulate and schedule them.
Simplicity Parenting: Using The Extraordinary Power Of Less To Raise Calmer, Happier, And More Secure Kids By Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross
This book is great because it reads like a “how to” have that simpler life. How do you scale back? What do you do? Do you have to get rid of “stuff”? Parents felt less anxiety in their own lives and are impressed by the effect that living simply has on your relationship with your child.
As parents we know that there are times we are put into a disciplinary position.
I had heard of many different terms and thought these were parenting styles, which is what led me on the research path for this article. The parenting styles are a way of parenting, each and every day. The following are different discipline styles. Many of these can fit into the parenting styles. Some of your parent coaches, counselors, and books also identify themselves by these styles. The book I recommend overall, for all parenting styles and discipline is:
No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Tina Payne Bryson PhD and Daniel j. Siegel MD
I love the research. I love knowing how children’s minds work. What can they actually understand? Do they know what I am talking about when I am trying to explain logic? This method does have the parent establish limits, however, it also talks about 20 disciplining mistakes we often make and how to stay focused on what the child can understand and what will be effective. I would start with this book and then compare it to a book that specializes in your discipline of choice.
Love & Logic: Parents set down firm boundaries with love. This style is great for parents who believe in the child making their own decisions and learning from the consequences of those choices. Love & Logic discipline tries to take the anger out of any decisions or reactions for the parent and instead use empathy. This allows the child to think about their actions and behaviors rather than their parents anger.
Discipline With Love and Logic Resource Guide by Jim Fay and Foster Cline
First, there are a lot of books on Love & Logic. Teens, young children, etc. I chose this resource guide because it will give you a “snapshot” of Love & Logic with great examples. If you attend a workshop, many of which are free at your local schools, this is a fabulous refresher or accompaniment.
Conscious Discipline: The main idea for Conscious Discipline is the motivation to behave comes from the nature of the relationships a child has with others. This style relies heavily on emotional intelligence and learning. Conscious Discipline encourages problem-solving, cooperation, and acceptance and it assumes your child will care deeply about the relationships around them. I love any teaching for parents on emotional learning they can do with their children. I do not know how I feel about using this as a discipline tool. I would love to hear how it works, if you use it in your home.
Rethinking Discipline: Conscious Parenting Strategies for Growth and Connection by Yehudis Smith M.S.Ed
This book is listed as a guide, so it has a “follow this” kind of strategy (very helpful). The goal is to help you rethink your child’s behaviors so you can focus on teaching valuable life skills while staying connected―even in the most difficult moments. One reviewer wrote: “Yehudis Smith has knocked it out of the park with this concise, realistic and incredibly helpful parenting guide, with real life advice for real life moments! “
Peaceful Discipline: Peaceful parenting is for those who want harmony in the household and are not afraid to lay down the rules, boundaries, and maintain them. When setting limits, it is without emotion or anger, it is with logic and calm. A key to this style that I did not see in many others is role modeling. Children learn so much from us. Peaceful parenting acknowledges this and says we should use positive self talk and talk out loud about our strategies for solving obstacles or dealing with frustrating issues.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Laura Markham
Markham has many parenting books. I like the idea of this one: “When you have that vital connection, you don’t need to threaten, nag, plead, bribe—or even punish.” I want to see it in action. I feel like I plead (nag-but I like the word “plead” much better) much too often! She gives step-by-step examples that give solutions and kid-tested phrasing for parents of toddlers right through the elementary years.
Positive Discipline: This method does not use spanking, yelling, or extreme punishments. However, unlike many of the other methods, it does use rewards for good behavior and consequences for bad. It is important that before children have the opportunity to choose a “bad” behavior, parents have clearly communicated what is or is not acceptable.
Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems by Jane Nelsen Ed.D.
Positive Discipline follows a parenting style: Positive Parenting. This book is amazing. No lengthy, well anything. I would use this as my “dictionary” with another discipline or parenting book. It actually lists the behavior/issue and how to handle it using positive discipline. The goal when using this guide is to raise a child who is responsible, respectful, and resourceful.
Gentle Discipline: Like Love & Logic, this style uses natural consequences for decisions. This is a style that starts early. Gentle discipline helps children understand and work through their emotions. Rather than focusing on the “bad” of a behavior, this method uses problem solving and conversation, how to express appropriately.
Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection–Not Punishment–to Raise Confident, Capable Kids
by Sarah Ockwell-Smith
Smith gives us a practical guide that presents an alternative to shouting, shaming, and blaming–to give kids the skills they need to grow and thrive. The biggest eye-opener for many parents is that this book helped them see the issue through the eyes of their child. This completely changed the way they handled discipline.
The most important job I have held is being a mom. I had no idea there were resources, books, and coaches who could guide me through this time. Now that I have researched and learned so much, I wish I could go back and do it all over again. It is difficult to not look back, often with regret and self recrimination for what we could have or should have been or done. My biggest hope is that this blog has brought you something to ponder in regards to how you want to show up in your children’s lives.
“This is my family. I found it all on my own. It’s little and broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good.” —Stitch, Lilo & Stitch
*If you like any of the books I have recommended and “click” and buy, Amazon will send me a very small “thank you.”